


The Bridge

by johnny cade (johnnycake)



Series: Switchblades and Leather [12]
Category: The Outsiders (1983), The Outsiders - S. E. Hinton
Genre: M/M, Suicidal Ideation, Suicide Attempt, talk of abuse, talk of csa
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-22
Updated: 2018-05-22
Packaged: 2019-05-10 06:45:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,414
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14731949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/johnnycake/pseuds/johnny%20cade
Summary: Johnny has a rough night and wants to die, but Dally finds him.





	The Bridge

**Author's Note:**

> I PROMISE I’M WORKING ON THE NEXT CHAPTER OF MY FIC. i just happened to see a prompt for this last night on tumblr and had to write it down, so yay!! hope u like!! it’s sad as usual!! also if you wanna cry, listen to die for you by starset and licht und schatten by yutaka yomada, while reading this.

It was a cold night for June, the stagnant air only fifty-seven degrees. With wind, that was somewhere closer to fifty than fifty-seven. And standing on the bridge suspended high above the churning Mississippi river beneath him, Johnny could feel the difference all the more with the chilled wind from the cold water below blowing up, making him shiver.

He reached up to swipe at his eyes, silent tears running down his cheeks. His eyes were red and puffy from crying, but he’d stopped the uncontrollable sobs hours ago when he’d made up his mind to walk to the bridge and jump off and end it all. Something about the single-minded determination, the resounding resolve inside him, and the knowledge that this was the end at last had calmed him. That and the long walk to the bridge, just outside of town.

It had all started because his father had assaulted him again and this time he couldn’t get away. When he’d finished, he’d left Johnny lying frozen on his bed, crying, unable to move for hours. When he finally could, he was shaking badly and cleaned everything numbly, his mind floating far away from his body as he did it. By then, he’d had time to think about the Socs assaulting him too, all at once, making good on their horrible promise from the first time. He’d had time to think about all the other times his father had assaulted him or beaten him, how his mother did it too, how the Socs wanted to do it more, and how his teachers even hated him and he’d come to the conclusion, like he had many times before, that life wasn’t living, but this time the feeling was a little different.

It was final.

It was as thought he knew as he never had before that living was hopeless, that there wasn’t any point and that he might as well kill himself now and get it over with rather than suffer any longer.

So he’d crawled out his window and crossed his parents’ backyard. He’d headed down the street and gone passed the vacant lot, out of his neighborhood. He went through town, towards the bridge that led out of the small towns and into the big cities. It was suspended high over Mississippi river rapids. Nothing that fell into it survived. Not from this height. Not with those rapids.

And that was why he’d gone there.

And now he was here, standing over the water, hanging over the side of the bridge, staring down into the rapids far below, wondering if it would hurt when he hit them.

There were one of two ways he would die. He would either crack his head against the rapids, the water turning to concrete from this height, or he would smash up his insides, but not enough to die and drown instead. That was the much more painful way to go, he knew, and he hoped the first way was what would happen.

 _You could make sure it happens that way,_ a voice in his head reminded him. _You have your switchblade in your back pocket. Just slit your wrists first and you’ll be dead before you hit the water. Or at least so woozy from blood loss, the pain won’t be as bad._

He didn’t know how true any of this was, but as much as he wanted to die, he was still afraid of pain and he was willing to do anything that would give him a calm, painless passing.

His arms were looped under the railing, holding himself upwards, suspended over the water. He had to cling with one arm to grab his switchblade. Somehow he did it without falling and managed to snap it open as well as roll up both sleeves without dropping it or falling. He considered this a miracle, since he wasn’t a coordinated person. He held the blade against the deep brown skin of his left wrist, watching the blade gleam in the streetlights that lined the bridge.

Vaguely, Johnny thought of the gang.

They would be sad without him, he supposed, but they’d be alright. Darry was too busy to have time to think about anything happening to him. Ponyboy had plenty of other friends. The same went for Two-Bit, Steve, and Sodapop. Dally was tough. He might be hurt at first, like everyone else, but he’d get over it. They would all get over it. They’d find a new pet for their gang and life would go on.

* * *

Dallas had been out of town for a few weeks, hiding out who knew where, while he waited out some trouble he’d gotten into. Nothing too serious, but serious enough that the police in town were looking for him for a few days. He’d stayed away for a few weeks to be safe, though, coming back every now and then to visit, but he was coming back for good now. He missed sleeping in his own bed.

The car he drove wasn’t his own, but he’d never had his own car. He always borrowed – and wrecked – other people’s cars. They all asked him to be careful, but Dally drove fast and reckless no matter how many wrecks he got into. He didn’t know it, but the gang half wished he’d get his license taken away, so they would no longer have to worry about him dying in a crash. The one good thing about Dally’s reckless driving was he always wore his seat belt. It didn’t fit in line with the rest of his character, but it was probably the reason he hadn’t yet been killed in any of the crashes he’d been in.

The bridge leading into town was long and brightly lit and Dally saw the figure hanging over the side of the bridge long before he knew who it was. He thought it was just some dumb kid at first, some dumb kid who was going to get himself killed if he weren’t careful, but as he got closer and the figure’s features became more distinct, he realized what he was seeing and he wrenched his wheel to one side, slamming on the breaks, pulling over and parking.

It was Johnnycake. _His_ Johnnycake. The jet black hair and worn denim jacket were unmistakable. Well...maybe not to anyone else, but to Dally they were. He would know them anywhere. He would know Johnny anywhere.

He opened the door slowly and quietly, not wanting to startle him, though every fiber of his being told him to run over and pull Johnny off the side of the bridge as quickly as possible. He knew that Johnny might slip and fall. He wasn’t exactly holding onto the bridge in any safe way. All he had to do was unhook his arms from around the metal rail and fall. He’d be gone. Dead.

And as Dally got closer, he realized that was probably the point.

“Johnny, what the hell are you doing?” he said once he was close enough that he could reach Johnny if he started to fall. His voice was strangely calm, but he felt his heart pounding with panic.

Johnny jumped, but didn’t slip and fall. From this angle, Dally could see the knife in his hand, the blade resting on the skin of his inner wrist. “I’ve made up my mind, Dal,” Johnny replied, his voice barely loud enough to be heard over the loud rushing of the river below. “I don’t want you to stop me.” He was shaking badly and Dally was surprised he hadn’t somehow fallen in already. “Just go home.”

The words made Dally angry. Not at Johnny, not really, but angry at the fact he really thought he was worth that little that Dally would just turn around and leave him. “You really gonna leave us?” he asked, gritting his teeth and clenching fists, his eyes already narrowed. “You really gonna be that selfish and leave _all_ of us here alone? You really think we’ll be okay with you, Johnny?’

Johnny shrugged one shoulder, still not looking at Dally. He pressed the blade just enough into his skin that a small line of red appeared on his skin. Dally took a step forward. “Y’all will get along just fine without me,” he said softly. Then he did turn to look at Dally and Dally’s heart broke in half. The anguish in his eyes was like nothing he’d ever seen in the eyes of any person before, the shock of it made him take a step back. They were dead eyes, the eyes of a person who was more than ready to die, for whom, at this point, death might even be a blessing.

“I already said no, Dallas,” Johnny was saying, his words coming to Dally from a distance. “I’m tired of bein’ the kid and the pet. I’m tired of bein’ the broken one y’all have to walk on eggshells around. I ain’t anythin’ more than a burden and you know it.”

Dally took a step towards Johnny and he did something Dally wasn’t expecting. He turned again, only this time the look in his eyes was dangerous and he was holding the knife out to Dally, tears in his eyes, fear burning in his eyes more than any sort of hatred or anger. “Don’t come any closer!” he shouted and Dally listened, wondering how Johnny was managing to hold onto the bridge and threatening him at the same time. He was shaking enough and looked frightened enough that he believed Johnny just might hurt him if provoked.

The hopelessness in his voice made the shattered pieces of Dally’s heart hurt even more. “Don’t you know what that means, Johnnycake?” Dally asked, his own voice soft and broken now. “It means everyone in the gang would die for you. We love you more than anythin’ else. Your folks are pieces of shit, we all know that, but you have us. You got the gang.”

He took a tentative step towards Johnny. “C’mon, Johnny, put the knife down. I know you ain’t gonna hurt me.”

Another step forward.

“Let’s just...go to Dairy Queen or somethin’. I know there’s a twenty-four hour one around here. That’d be fun, right? A lot more fun than goin’ swimmin’ in freezing water.” He tried to smile.

Johnny was still holding the knife to Dally, but the tip of the knife dipped just slightly towards the pavement as he thought about what Dally had said. His eyes flicked towards the water as he considered it. He had the gang, yes, but he didn’t have a family. But...maybe the gang _was_ his family? Maybe that could be enough. The tip of the knife dipped a little more. And he still wanted to die. He still wanted all of the pain to end, but...death was permanent. Maybe Dally was right and there were other ways he could live through the pain.

Dally took another step forwards, reaching out for the blade now. “Give it to me, Johnny,” he said, his voice soft, but it was like he’d spooked scared animal and even that was too much noise too quickly and Johnny slipped.

Everything then seemed to happen in slow motion.

Johnny screamed, miraculously holding onto his switchblade as his he lost his balance and began to fall. Dally lunged forwards, screaming as well, grabbing onto any part of Johnny he could with both hands, clinging to him for dear life. His fingers grabbed white-knuckled fistfuls of Johnny’s denim jacket, holding him up against the railing with only his strength.

“Dammit, Johnny, give me your hand!” he heard himself screaming around choked sobs, though he was too afraid to let go of any part of Johnny he was already holding onto.

“No, Dal, let me go!” he heard Johnny shouting back, his own voice full of emotion. He twisted, his switchblade slicing Dally’s arm as he flailed over the water, Dally screaming, terrified he was going to let go of him any moment.

“I’m not letting you die, you fucking idiot!” he screamed, tightening his hold on Johnny. He wrapped one arm around Johnny’s middle holding him against the railing, the other reaching out for his hand. “I love you too much!”

They both frozen as they realized what Dally had said, the wind whistling around them.

Johnny’s heart skipped a beat. Dally never said things like that. Not to anyone. Not ever. “You love me?” he heard himself saying.

“Of course, I love you,” Dally replied, struggling to control his sobs now. “Why would I be here if I didn’t? Why would I try to stop you if I didn’t love you?”

Johnny handed his blade to Dally and let Dally pull him over the railing. He was shaking too badly to climb back over by himself and when he was back on the other side, his knees buckled and he collapsed to the ground in a shaking, sobbing mess, Dally beside him, holding his head against his chest with one hand, his other arm wrapped around him. He was shaking and crying as much as Johnny was, which surprised him. He’d never seen Dally like this before.

“I really thought you were going to do it,” he heard Dally gasp out. He looked up and saw the anguish that had been in his own eyes a moment ago now reflected in Dally’s. Dally looked at him. “I thought I was gonna lose you forever. I can’t lose you forever. I can’t, I...” He trailed off and then a moment later he was pressing his lips to Johnny’s.

Johnny was stunned, frozen with his eyes wide for a moment before they fluttered shut and he let out a soft sigh. He had loved Dally for years. All his life, in fact. Never had he ever dreamed that Dally might love him back.

Never had he ever dreamed he would be given such incentive to go on living.

When he finally pulled away, Johnny pressed their foreheads together and said softly, “I love you too, Dal.”

They stayed that way for a long time. No one saw them. No other cars passed by. It was a miracle. Like everything that had happened that night.

Eventually they got up and Johnny said he was hungry and Dally drove to Dairy Queen like nothing had changed when everything had, but this time, for once, for the better.

**Author's Note:**

> i have another thing i want to write (the socs attacking him a second time cause that’s def gonna be brought up more), but idk how to write it without getting too graphic and triggering myself, so we’ll see how that goes. also idk if the mississippi river rly goes through tulsa, but like i’ve said before, we love playin pretend for the sake of angst. also yay!!! i finally made something explicitly gay!!!! not that that wasn't gonna eventually happen in my big fic, but YEAH!!! this is the first time it worked out to include it in a one shot!!


End file.
